The broken church... and my broken spirit.

What I have been experiencing since this past year, after Holy Given, has surmounted to last night. What was once familiar and what I would say belongs to me, is no longer apart of me anymore. I have put too much of my identity in the church, in man's eyes, my very being into what my church is about. Again, I find we missed it. We missed your heart about everything. What you have shown me I do not deserve but I will listen to your voice and follow you.

I have placed too much of my trust and confidence and identity in man and I see your saddened face for the church. Let me see Father, let me see. I feel so alone Jesus, so alone. But I know you will never leave me. There will be great times of being alone ahead so I must trust you and be faithful to what you now show me that although I am lost in the world, that I am truly found in you. Everything that I felt I had to offer to the body has fallen from it's high place and has been made dust among the rocks. My gifts, my position, my worship, my words now seem like icing on a bitter cake.

This entire process has been entirely too uncomfortable- the church's worldly culture, the offerings messages, concert atmospheres, tattoos and piercings. I return to you my Father. I return to you. In these revelations I chose to have my heart act and speak out of love. That I would love the church as she is, spotted, tired, deceived and hurt. For love covers a multitude of sins and I must be that physical manifestation of your presence.

God I feel I have been unfaithful over and over again in so many ways that I do not deserve all the forgiveness you extend to me. It's true, because I don't deserve it, but you, Lord Jesus, willingly laid down and offered your life so we could be together. Your blood and your sacrifice is something far beyond my comprehension and I desire deeper revelation of it in my spirit. Lord, your love and your compassion towards me is the only thing that keeps me alive.